Breaking the Cycle of Guilt

Look at your position description. 

Genuinely. Pull it out. What are you actually supposed to be doing? Because I think if you were honest with yourself, your to-do list has expanded way beyond that. Some of it crept in because nobody else was doing it. Some of it you offered to help with and it just... stayed. Some of it you took on because saying no felt harder than saying yes.

The question is not whether you are working hard enough.  

The question is whether what you are doing aligns with what you were actually hired to do. Because that is where realistic and honest looks like. It’s not a feeling, but a fact. 

Look for the truth, and use it as a baseline for improving things. 

Open the conversation. 

I invite you to try asking your team or your supervisor if anyone else feeling like this. Is anyone else feeling the guilt of not finishing the list, of asking for help, of taking leave? 

Because chances are, most people in that room will say yes. 

“Burnout thrives in silence”

I recently read this expression in an article by Samir Sengupta, and it really hit me. This is so true! 

When you share your experience, you do something really powerful. You name the invisible thing. And once it is named, you can actually change things, and talk about what the real priorities are. You can say I can get this done, but if I do, that thing over there is not happening this week.. what is better? What does everyone think? That is speaking up professionally. That is truly useful. That is not weakness. 

What would you say to someone you deeply respect? 

If your wisest mentor or your closest friend at work came to you and said, I feel so guilty for not getting through my to-do list, for taking holidays, for asking for help - what would you tell them? 

You would not say, Yes, you should absolutely feel guilty. You should be doing more and putting everyone else first. 

You would tell them to be kind to themselves. You would remind them they are human. You would say that their worth is not their output. That they are entitled to all of this. 

So why is it different when it is you? 

The thing people regret most at the end of their life. 

Researchers who spend time with people who are dying consistently find that one of the biggest regrets is working too much. The other is worrying too much. And that is exactly what guilt is. It is worry about perception. It is worry about not contributing enough. And it is costing us our health, our relationships, and for some people, years of recovery time after burnout. 

Did you know a peer-reviewed study with people experiencing Generalised Anxiety Disorder published in Behaviour Therapy found that 91.4% of the things people worried about never happened. And for most participants, 100% of their worries never came true!

And here is the reality. When people fully cross the threshold - and I define that using the three dimensions of Christina Maslach's burnout inventory: emotional exhaustion, depersonalisation, and a loss of personal accomplishment - recovery can take months or even years! 

We are highly replaceable at work. We are absolutely not replaceable in our families. 

Let not be work and worry be your biggest regrets at the end of your life. 

Here is what I have found, and this is where we actually get somewhere with the guilt. 

The guilt will not go away. Especially if you are a high achiever. Especially if you have a big heart and you genuinely care about the people you work with. The guilt will still be there. Trying to get rid of it is not the goal. 

The goal is to be able to act despite the guilt, not without it.

And the way you do that is by setting your boundaries in advance: when you are calm, when you are thinking clearly, maybe even with a trusted colleague or your supervisor. You make the decision before the guilt shows up. So that when it does show up, and it will, you already have your answer. You already know what you decided. 

This is restoration in the AMBP™: actively setting and upholding boundaries with yourself and others. Not just knowing you need boundaries, actually putting them in place and following through. 

Let me give you two examples of what this actually looks like. 

Example 1 - The Holiday Guilt

You booked leave months ago. The time comes and, of course, there is a crisis at work. An accreditation review. A team member off sick. Something that feels like it absolutely cannot happen without you. 

The boundary you set in advance sounded like this: I am entitled to this leave. I am not going to check my emails. Before I go, I will talk to my supervisor, I will have a handover plan, and I will be honest that I feel guilty but I am going anyway. 

And here is the other part that people do not plan for. When you come back, your colleague who covered for you tells you everything that went wrong. How hard it was. How much they struggled. And the guilt floods back in. 

But you planned for that too. You already decided that when you heard the stories, you would listen with compassion and not internalise them as evidence that you should not have gone. You would have a plan for how you come back, like a check-in, a conversation, a way to reintegrate without diving straight back in at full capacity. 

The leave was not a betrayal of your team. It was you making a decision from a calm place that you would stick to even when the guilt showed up. 

Example 2 - The Delegation Guilt

You were recently promoted. But you kept some of the tasks from your old role because the person who moved into your previous position is still learning, and you can see they are struggling, and you feel bad handing something extra to them when they are already finding their feet. 

So now you are at capacity with your new role and still carrying tasks from the old one. 

The boundary here is this: this task belongs to them now, and giving it to them is not a burden, it is an investment in their growth. It gives them credibility. It is part of their role. And it is legitimate to pass it on. 

And here is a reframe that might help. If you had a growth mindset - and if you are reading this article, you probably do - and your supervisor came to you and said, look, this is yours now, I trust you with this, how would that feel? Pretty good, right? You would feel trusted. Seen. You would rise to the new challenge. Sure, it would be an extra task on your plate, but if it’s yours, you’ll take it. 

That is exactly what you are doing for that person when you delegate to them. You are adding to their load AND you are saying I trust you with this.